my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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