mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
