Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
