you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
