I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
