youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
