So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
