I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
