i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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