Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
