Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
