Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize