I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
