i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
