Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
