Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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