I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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