You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
