Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
