she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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