Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
