at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize