Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
