He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I love you.
Bad choice
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
