I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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