DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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