Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
