yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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