I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
