WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
