i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
