he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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