When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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