i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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