Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
