they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
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