is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
