i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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