I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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