R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
