Can i not drive my cunt home
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
