I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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