last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
