This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
