Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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