he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
