I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
