Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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