I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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