my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
