Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
pray to the hookup gods
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