people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
