i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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