someone threw a dead crab at me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
