at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
