Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
