Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
