I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
