It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
