I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
