I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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