It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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