I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
