you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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