If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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