your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
