Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
