Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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