Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
