If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
